Am I enough?

I was reminded today of a life-changing experience I had several years ago.

I had five kids at the time, and I felt like my hands were really full.  The youngest was three, and I was thinking I was done having kids.  I had even started giving away those bins of hand-me-downs that were piled up in the garage.

One day as I sat in the temple I had a very clear impression that it was time for me to have another baby.  ANOTHER ONE?? In my mind I asked “Are you sure??  Have you noticed how things are going down here lately?  My home is chaotic!  I’m struggling here- I’m not doing such a great job with the five I have!”

The answer was a confirmation that is was time for another, and I felt heavy.  Of course I knew I would love another child, but the heaviness was more about me.  I didn’t know how I could possibly muster the energy to be everything that everyone needed me to be.  How could I give more than I was already giving??

I happened to be sitting near a woman from my ward that I had always looked up to.  She had raised eleven children, and always seemed to have a smile on her face.  Her kids weren’t perfect, and her house wasn’t perfect, but she was always smiling.  She seemed calm and confident and happy.

After the session I asked her a question, hoping she would have a secret formula for me.  Maybe she could teach me how to be a super woman. So I asked, “When the prompting came for you to have another child, how did you know you would be enough?”

She did have a secret formula, but it was not the one I was expecting.  She smiled and said simply, “I was never enough.”

As the tears welled up in my eyes, it felt like I was setting down a huge burden I had been carrying.  She was never enough because there is no such thing as enough.  No mother will ever be perfect.  That’s not what’s expected, or even what is asked of us.

It may sound confusing, but I invite you to try on this thought: “I’m not enough, and that is OK.  I am enough.”

I am enough.  You are enough. Wherever you are, however big of a mess you are today, it is enough. Take a deep breath and bask in that feeling.

An Eagle Scout

Caleb finished his Eagle project four years ago.  We insisted he finish his Eagle paperwork before he could get his license. He decided at that point that the Eagle award was a waste of time, and he didn't want to turn it in.  He wasn't interested in actually receiving the award.  Jeff and I decided to let it drop at that point.

So imagine my surprise when, one Tuesday evening, Caleb asked if I was free on Thursday at 7:00.  "Free for what?" I asked.  "I just need help with something.  Are you free?"  I was.  After I agreed to help he reluctantly told me "They said I had to bring a parent with me to my Eagle board of review."  He would much rather have done the whole thing without me ever knowing.  Thank goodness they require a parent!

I tried not to look too proud ;)

Me and Captain Moroni

Today I was reading in Alma chapter 48 about Captain Moroni.  I have always thought he was pretty great, which makes it kinda fun that today I felt a real kinship with him.

Here is what he spent his days doing:

While his enemies had been doing their thing, "Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the Nephites, and erecting small forts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth round about to enclose his armies, and also building walls of stone to encircle them about." He raised the "Title of Liberty" to invite all who would, to gather together in the cause of righteousness.

Here is what I spend my days doing:

My people are not armies in the traditional sense, but they are people who are in a spiritual battle that is ferocious.  In my home, I do my best to prepare the minds of my people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  I am constantly looking to create and identify "forts," or places of refuge and resort.  My home is one.  Our church community is one.  Our friends and extended family members offer their own forts as places of safety for my people, and I gladly offer the same to them.  It requires a constant effort- "throwing up banks of earth" around these places of safety and keeping my children's armor in good repair.  My Title of Liberty is much more simple than Moroni's.  I just try to hold up my own example, and invite any who will, to join in this cause of righteousness.

Moroni was surrounded by Ammon, Helaman, and many others who were equally as valiant and actively engaged in the cause- each in his or her own way.  I am surrounded by amazing and inspiring people- friends and family- who are each doing their part to prepare their people.  We are doing a great work. Each individual act may seem small, but together we are preparing ourselves and our people for the return of Jesus Christ to the earth.  That is no small task!  I am grateful and proud to be a part of it.

Bearing fruit

This morning I sat at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the pecan tree.  It’s massive, and its branches shade a huge portion of my back yard.  This time of year the branches are starting to hang a little lower, heavy with nuts.

I sat thinking what a miracle it is that trees just know how to make fruit!  I don’t have to do anything to make sure the pecan tree makes pecans, or that the peach tree makes peaches.  I provide the soil and some water, and they just do their thing. And they do it beautifully!  I just get to enjoy the fruit.  The world is a better place because there are peaches and pecans in it!

I feel like people are the same way. We were each born with amazing and unique potential, and the world needs what each person has to offer.  My job as a mother is just to provide a little soil and water- to offer my children the tools that will allow them to be the person they were created to be. Then I get to sit back and watch the miracle happen. The fruit just appears, and it’s so beautiful to watch.

I have the best job ever.

Eli

I sure have loved having Eli home with me this year!  He is in afternoon kindergarten, so we have all morning together.  We read books, do homework and chores, run errands, and generally have "special time agether."  

Here are a few random things about Eli that I want to remember:

He is pretty obsessed with muscles and strength.  He is always planning ways to invite all of his friends over at the same time so they can form an army.  He does exercises to build up his muscles, and comments on nice muscles whenever he sees them.  He loves karate and secretly wishes that a bad guy would come try to steal him so he could unleash his mad skills of self defense.  We have to talk a lot about never using karate moves on other people.  And about not bragging.

Eli to Clayton: We're both really strong, huh?
Ya.
We're both the same strong, huh?
Ya.
But we're just saying that to make each other feel happy, right?
Ya.

He's also "a big fan of girls."  He has had multiple crushes this year, and always lets everybody know about it.  Apparently the girls like him a lot too!  One day he came home and said in exasperation, "Mom, all the girls keep on falling in love with me!"

I asked how he could tell, and he said that they kept on looking at him "with a love face."  I chuckled to myself and figure that was all in his head until I went on a field trip with him.  He pointed out one little girl and said "See mom... she has a love face!"

Sure enough... I turned to see Belle, peeking around a corner, smiling a "love smile" and batting her eyelashes at him!!  He knew a love face when he saw one!

A farewell to scouts

Recently the church announced it's "break up" with the scouting program.  If I am being honest, I have wished for this to happen- usually while searching for lost scout shirts, ironing on patches, or sitting through my 7,000th pack meeting.

But at the same time... I have to recognize the wonderful things that scouting has done for my boys! 

They have learned some great "man skills" from some great leaders.  They have learned to set goals and follow through with them.  They have learned to do hard things, to serve others, and to stick with a task even when it's not fun.  They have built some great friendships and had so much fun along the way!  

This picture feels to me like the PERFECT illustration of what cub scouts is all about!  I can't stop looking at it!  It makes me teary-eyed to think that Eli will never get to have this experience!

I am looking forward to the changes coming.  I have full confidence that the church will come up with a great program for boys and girls.  But I sure am grateful for what scouting has done for our family!

2017

Last week's project was putting highlights from my 2017 photos into an album.  I'm not one to make a super creative book.  If I put pressure on myself to make it fabulous, it would never actually happen... so I kept it really basic.

Today the physical book arrived on my doorstep.

As I took a minute to look it over, I was struck by how many big things have happened in our family this year!

A Jr college graduation. A high school graduation. Broken bones. Births in the extended family. My baby starting kindergarten. Four surgeries.  A wedding, adding a new person to our family!

I guess I have been so caught up in living it, I haven't had much time to contemplate.  But as I see it all compressed into a little book, it feels like stepping back and looking at my life from a distance.

It really does feel like yesterday that I was knee-deep in diapers and carseats and nap times and sippy cups.  Now here I am helping people move and teaching people to drive and planning receptions and going to visit children in their own homes.  It feels surreal.  Not sad, necessarily, but surreal.  I love all the growth and change I see in my children and in myself. I love the things we are learning along the way.  And I especially love each of these people- my people.

The wind is blowing hard today,  and somehow it feels like a metaphor for how fast my life is passing.  Before I know it, my (now) little boys will all be grown up too.  My life will be filled with wonderful new experiences, new people and new joys.  I welcome it all!

But just for a minute, it feels important to acknowledge how fast it is flying by.