My inspiration for this record of my days:

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” -Anna Quindlen

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Am I enough?

I was reminded today of a life-changing experience I had several years ago.

I had five kids at the time, and I felt like my hands were really full.  The youngest was three, and I was thinking I was done having kids.  I had even started giving away those bins of hand-me-downs that were piled up in the garage.

One day as I sat in the temple I had a very clear impression that it was time for me to have another baby.  ANOTHER ONE?? In my mind I asked “Are you sure??  Have you noticed how things are going down here lately?  My home is chaotic!  I’m struggling here- I’m not doing such a great job with the five I have!”

The answer was a confirmation that is was time for another, and I felt heavy.  Of course I knew I would love another child, but the heaviness was more about me.  I didn’t know how I could possibly muster the energy to be everything that everyone needed me to be.  How could I give more than I was already giving??

I happened to be sitting near a woman from my ward that I had always looked up to.  She had raised eleven children, and always seemed to have a smile on her face.  Her kids weren’t perfect, and her house wasn’t perfect, but she was always smiling.  She seemed calm and confident and happy.

After the session I asked her a question, hoping she would have a secret formula for me.  Maybe she could teach me how to be a super woman. So I asked, “When the prompting came for you to have another child, how did you know you would be enough?”

She did have a secret formula, but it was not the one I was expecting.  She smiled and said simply, “I was never enough.”

As the tears welled up in my eyes, it felt like I was setting down a huge burden I had been carrying.  She was never enough because there is no such thing as enough.  No mother will ever be perfect.  That’s not what’s expected, or even what is asked of us.

It may sound confusing, but I invite you to try on this thought: “I’m not enough, and that is OK.  I am enough.”

I am enough.  You are enough. Wherever you are, however big of a mess you are today, it is enough. Take a deep breath and bask in that feeling.
at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)