Am I enough?

I was reminded today of a life-changing experience I had several years ago.

I had five kids at the time, and I felt like my hands were really full.  The youngest was three, and I was thinking I was done having kids.  I had even started giving away those bins of hand-me-downs that were piled up in the garage.

One day as I sat in the temple I had a very clear impression that it was time for me to have another baby.  ANOTHER ONE?? In my mind I asked “Are you sure??  Have you noticed how things are going down here lately?  My home is chaotic!  I’m struggling here- I’m not doing such a great job with the five I have!”

The answer was a confirmation that is was time for another, and I felt heavy.  Of course I knew I would love another child, but the heaviness was more about me.  I didn’t know how I could possibly muster the energy to be everything that everyone needed me to be.  How could I give more than I was already giving??

I happened to be sitting near a woman from my ward that I had always looked up to.  She had raised eleven children, and always seemed to have a smile on her face.  Her kids weren’t perfect, and her house wasn’t perfect, but she was always smiling.  She seemed calm and confident and happy.

After the session I asked her a question, hoping she would have a secret formula for me.  Maybe she could teach me how to be a super woman. So I asked, “When the prompting came for you to have another child, how did you know you would be enough?”

She did have a secret formula, but it was not the one I was expecting.  She smiled and said simply, “I was never enough.”

As the tears welled up in my eyes, it felt like I was setting down a huge burden I had been carrying.  She was never enough because there is no such thing as enough.  No mother will ever be perfect.  That’s not what’s expected, or even what is asked of us.

It may sound confusing, but I invite you to try on this thought: “I’m not enough, and that is OK.  I am enough.”

I am enough.  You are enough. Wherever you are, however big of a mess you are today, it is enough. Take a deep breath and bask in that feeling.

An Eagle Scout

Caleb finished his Eagle project four years ago.  We insisted he finish his Eagle paperwork before he could get his license. He decided at that point that the Eagle award was a waste of time, and he didn't want to turn it in.  He wasn't interested in actually receiving the award.  Jeff and I decided to let it drop at that point.

So imagine my surprise when, one Tuesday evening, Caleb asked if I was free on Thursday at 7:00.  "Free for what?" I asked.  "I just need help with something.  Are you free?"  I was.  After I agreed to help he reluctantly told me "They said I had to bring a parent with me to my Eagle board of review."  He would much rather have done the whole thing without me ever knowing.  Thank goodness they require a parent!

I tried not to look too proud ;)

Me and Captain Moroni

Today I was reading in Alma chapter 48 about Captain Moroni.  I have always thought he was pretty great, which makes it kinda fun that today I felt a real kinship with him.

Here is what he spent his days doing:

While his enemies had been doing their thing, "Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the Nephites, and erecting small forts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth round about to enclose his armies, and also building walls of stone to encircle them about." He raised the "Title of Liberty" to invite all who would, to gather together in the cause of righteousness.

Here is what I spend my days doing:

My people are not armies in the traditional sense, but they are people who are in a spiritual battle that is ferocious.  In my home, I do my best to prepare the minds of my people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  I am constantly looking to create and identify "forts," or places of refuge and resort.  My home is one.  Our church community is one.  Our friends and extended family members offer their own forts as places of safety for my people, and I gladly offer the same to them.  It requires a constant effort- "throwing up banks of earth" around these places of safety and keeping my children's armor in good repair.  My Title of Liberty is much more simple than Moroni's.  I just try to hold up my own example, and invite any who will, to join in this cause of righteousness.

Moroni was surrounded by Ammon, Helaman, and many others who were equally as valiant and actively engaged in the cause- each in his or her own way.  I am surrounded by amazing and inspiring people- friends and family- who are each doing their part to prepare their people.  We are doing a great work. Each individual act may seem small, but together we are preparing ourselves and our people for the return of Jesus Christ to the earth.  That is no small task!  I am grateful and proud to be a part of it.