The wind is always blowing toward the promised land

I am LOVING studying the Book of Mormon this year with the Come, Follow Me curriculum!

I've always known it was "written for our day," but this year I have seen that so obviously!

Every week I see uncanny parallels to what is going on in our world today.

This week I'm reading about the brother of Jared and his family, who are crossing the ocean in barges they built themselves, and heading for the promised land.

The scriptures say there was a "fuious wind" blowing upon the waters, towards the promised land. It says they were tossed upon the waves, and many times buried in the depths of the sea. The had a hole in the top and one in the bottom so they could open whichever side was up and let in fresh air. That means they and their kids and their animals must have turned upside down!

They had prepared the best they could. They had made their barges tight like unto a dish to keep the water out. They had all the provisions they would need. They had special lights that were powered by the Lord Himself.

And yet... those 344 days had to be SO HARD!

I bet there were days when they wished for a break. Days they wished the darn wind would stop blowing so furiously!

And yet... it was the wind that kept them moving toward their destination. Even though it felt unrelenting at times, the wind was actually a great blessing. It was exactly what they needed.


Right now the winds are blowing in my life. Some days they even feel like "furious winds." The future feels uncertain. I miss gathering with friends and family. Some of my kids are going through really hard things. Hard for them, and hard for me. Sometimes I feel upside down, and I wonder when things will right themselves.

But even in all the chaos, when I quiet my mind, I can sense that my Heavenly Parents are aware of me.

I'm choosing to trust that they know exactly what they are doing, and that they have a plan for me and my family.
 

So when the wind feels furious; when mountainous waves loom over us; when we feel tossed about and upside down; remember where we are headed.

We are each headed to our own "promised land." The Lord knows the way, and He is in control of the wind. If we stay close to Him, He will cause the wind to blow us straight to the promised land.

My Self Portrait (circa 2005)

I know this doesn’t look much like a self-portrait, in the typical sense, but this is a visual representation of how I see myself and my life.

At my core, I am straight and steady. To me, brown like strength, but not rigidity. My roots reach down deep, and my mind is always reaching upward, trying to grow toward the light.

The colorful limbs that grow out to the side are my life experiences. They are beautiful and colorful and move in unexpected ways. I am constantly changing and evolving, and the variety of those changes adds to my strength and my beauty.

I don't claim to be artist, but when I look at my life from this perspective, it looks like a masterpiece to me.

 

It's the little things

Becca was in town yesterday, and we had the best day!  We mostly just ran errands, but doing it together made it so much more fun!

At one point we decided to make a list of some of our favorite "little things" that make life so great.  Here are a few of the things we came up with:

-rose bushes
-sitting down after you've been standing too long
-hot showers
-the first sip of ice water when you're SO thirsty
-or even better... the first sip of Chick-fil-a lemonade!
-climbing into a cozy bed at the end of the day.  Or the middle of the day :)
-baby shoes (We talked quite a bit about how great babies are, since she's expecting!)

Once we started talking about the little things we love, we were on a roll.  Pretty soon we both felt like being alive was just the BEST!

Our brains like to be busy.  If we give them a specific job to do, they are super efficient at doing it!  Our brains could find SO MANY reasons to love life!

If we don't give them any direction... they are pretty efficient at finding things that are wrong.  Things we should be upset or worried about.

Let's give your brain a job to do:  What are some of your favorite "little things" about being alive?

Finding them where they are

Last week my dear Aunt Andy passed away.  She was my mom’s only sister, and her children were almost like siblings to us growing up.  She was a wonderful example to me of faith and love, and of keeping an eternal perspective.

She was also a great musician, and helped to foster a love of music in our extended family.

When my cousin spoke at her funeral, she talked about what a great accompanist she was.  She had a talent for being able to follow the singer (she was playing the piano) even when they got lost or sang the wrong thing at the wrong time.  The audience never knew something had gone wrong, because she could find them where they were, and support them there.

She talked about how that was one of her talents in life as well.  She could find people where they were, love them there, and support them in their journey.  There were so many people that were drawn to her and her home because of the love and acceptance they felt there. Her kids’ friends wanted to be in her home as much as possible.  She had a large house, and there was always room for someone who needed a place to stay.  Often she would arrive at family functions with an “extra”- someone who was living with them for a while. Everyone who was around her felt loved and supported right where they were.

I’ve been thinking all week about what a valuable and Christlike skill that is, and one that I want to purposely cultivate in myself.  I don’t want to waste any time believing people should be different than they are.  Not my husband, my children, my extended family, or even strangers that I come in contact with.  I want to love and accept them right where they are, and for that to become my “default setting.”  I want everyone in my circle to feel welcomed and “found” just as they are, and then supported as they move forward.

I am so grateful for Aunt Andy's influence in my life.

It turns out love really is always the answer.

Morning scripture study

This is real life folks.

We wake the boys up every morning to "study the scriptures as a family."

This is what that looks like much of the time.

It's a circumstance that doesn't seem to be within my power to change.

I can either be annoyed with them, making the morning really unpleasant for myself, or I can choose  something different.  This particular morning I chose to be amused.  It felt much better than annoyed.

But I believe in following the prophet.  Here is what President Nelson has promised us:


I promise that as you diligently work to remodel your home into a center of gospel learning, over time your Sabbath days will truly be a delight. Your children will be excited to learn and to live the Savior’s teachings, and the influence of the adversary in your life and in your home will decrease. Changes in your family will be dramatic and sustaining.

I want those blessings for my family, so we will diligently work toward that goal.  We will keep getting up and keep praying and keep reading.  And we will watch for the blessings that are surely coming to our family.  I hope we're awake to enjoy them. ;)

The one and only Caleb

I don't know anyone quite like Caleb.  He has a strong sense of self, and is living life his own way.  He's an interesting mixture of fun and adventure with logic and no-nonsense. Of incredible talents, with zero interest in showing them off.  He bristles at most authority, but has a deep and sincere desire to do what God wants him to do.  There are so many things that he doesn't care about AT ALL, and so many things that he thinks really deeply about.  Being Caleb's mother has demanded much personal growth and change on my part.  I'm a better mother and person than I was 18 years ago!

Here he is with his recently shaved head (due to a lost bet) spray painting his car gold in time for New Years Eve.  It actually looks better to me now.  Before that it was covered with graffiti done by himself and his friends.

Anyway... I just wanted to remember this story:

Caleb had recently received a bag of hand-me-downs from his uncle Emet.  Which, by the way is pretty much the only way he acquires things to wear.  Everything he owns used to belong to someone else, or it was a birthday gift from his sisters.

His friends were in his room as he was getting ready to go somewhere, and I heard them giving him a hard time about what he was wearing.  His response cracked me up!  "You guys!  You have the wrong idea.  It's not like I get to choose what clothes I own.  They just show up randomly in a bag, and that's what I wear!"  Their disapproval didn't dissuade him at all.  Classic Caleb.

ALIVE!

Every year, instead of a long list of New Years Resolutions, (which I tend to forget,) I like to pick just one word to focus on.  This year the word I picked is ALIVE.

When I picked it, I envisioned myself saying yes to more things.  Living bigger!  Enjoying the moment.    I envisioned being healthier and more energetic.  Laughing more.  Being more curious and more spontaneous.  Feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair... that sort of thing.

I love the way that vision makes me feel!  Just by thinking "I'm ALIVE!"  I can summon all of those feelings of freedom and energy and wonder!

I started off the year with a bang, too!  My first step into the world of living bigger and saying yes to more things came on New Years Eve.  I decided to wear silver stretchy pants and sequin high heels to the family New Years Eve party!  I'll spare you the picture, but my outfit was a big hit!  My five year old niece asked if she could have those pants for her birthday.  🤣

But, being nine days into the New Year now, I'm already increasing in wisdom.  I've noticed that sometimes being "ALIVE" means that I have a headache.  Sometimes it means that I have chores to do that I don't really feel like doing.  Sometimes it means that people I love are struggling, or that I don't have all the answers.

But as I experience those "negative" things, I remind myself that I'm alive.  Sometimes this is what it feels like to be alive.  And that thought brings me a feeling of peace and gratitude.  It feels like a privilege to be able to experience it all.  I'm willing to embrace the highs and the lows of being alive.

So this year, I'm going to be more ALIVE than I have ever been.  I think 2019 is going to be the best year yet!


Christi

Am I enough?

I was reminded today of a life-changing experience I had several years ago.

I had five kids at the time, and I felt like my hands were really full.  The youngest was three, and I was thinking I was done having kids.  I had even started giving away those bins of hand-me-downs that were piled up in the garage.

One day as I sat in the temple I had a very clear impression that it was time for me to have another baby.  ANOTHER ONE?? In my mind I asked “Are you sure??  Have you noticed how things are going down here lately?  My home is chaotic!  I’m struggling here- I’m not doing such a great job with the five I have!”

The answer was a confirmation that is was time for another, and I felt heavy.  Of course I knew I would love another child, but the heaviness was more about me.  I didn’t know how I could possibly muster the energy to be everything that everyone needed me to be.  How could I give more than I was already giving??

I happened to be sitting near a woman from my ward that I had always looked up to.  She had raised eleven children, and always seemed to have a smile on her face.  Her kids weren’t perfect, and her house wasn’t perfect, but she was always smiling.  She seemed calm and confident and happy.

After the session I asked her a question, hoping she would have a secret formula for me.  Maybe she could teach me how to be a super woman. So I asked, “When the prompting came for you to have another child, how did you know you would be enough?”

She did have a secret formula, but it was not the one I was expecting.  She smiled and said simply, “I was never enough.”

As the tears welled up in my eyes, it felt like I was setting down a huge burden I had been carrying.  She was never enough because there is no such thing as enough.  No mother will ever be perfect.  That’s not what’s expected, or even what is asked of us.

It may sound confusing, but I invite you to try on this thought: “I’m not enough, and that is OK.  I am enough.”

I am enough.  You are enough. Wherever you are, however big of a mess you are today, it is enough. Take a deep breath and bask in that feeling.

An Eagle Scout

Caleb finished his Eagle project four years ago.  We insisted he finish his Eagle paperwork before he could get his license. He decided at that point that the Eagle award was a waste of time, and he didn't want to turn it in.  He wasn't interested in actually receiving the award.  Jeff and I decided to let it drop at that point.

So imagine my surprise when, one Tuesday evening, Caleb asked if I was free on Thursday at 7:00.  "Free for what?" I asked.  "I just need help with something.  Are you free?"  I was.  After I agreed to help he reluctantly told me "They said I had to bring a parent with me to my Eagle board of review."  He would much rather have done the whole thing without me ever knowing.  Thank goodness they require a parent!

I tried not to look too proud ;)

Me and Captain Moroni

Today I was reading in Alma chapter 48 about Captain Moroni.  I have always thought he was pretty great, which makes it kinda fun that today I felt a real kinship with him.

Here is what he spent his days doing:

While his enemies had been doing their thing, "Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the Nephites, and erecting small forts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth round about to enclose his armies, and also building walls of stone to encircle them about." He raised the "Title of Liberty" to invite all who would, to gather together in the cause of righteousness.

Here is what I spend my days doing:

My people are not armies in the traditional sense, but they are people who are in a spiritual battle that is ferocious.  In my home, I do my best to prepare the minds of my people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.  I am constantly looking to create and identify "forts," or places of refuge and resort.  My home is one.  Our church community is one.  Our friends and extended family members offer their own forts as places of safety for my people, and I gladly offer the same to them.  It requires a constant effort- "throwing up banks of earth" around these places of safety and keeping my children's armor in good repair.  My Title of Liberty is much more simple than Moroni's.  I just try to hold up my own example, and invite any who will, to join in this cause of righteousness.

Moroni was surrounded by Ammon, Helaman, and many others who were equally as valiant and actively engaged in the cause- each in his or her own way.  I am surrounded by amazing and inspiring people- friends and family- who are each doing their part to prepare their people.  We are doing a great work. Each individual act may seem small, but together we are preparing ourselves and our people for the return of Jesus Christ to the earth.  That is no small task!  I am grateful and proud to be a part of it.

Bearing fruit

This morning I sat at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the pecan tree.  It’s massive, and its branches shade a huge portion of my back yard.  This time of year the branches are starting to hang a little lower, heavy with nuts.

I sat thinking what a miracle it is that trees just know how to make fruit!  I don’t have to do anything to make sure the pecan tree makes pecans, or that the peach tree makes peaches.  I provide the soil and some water, and they just do their thing. And they do it beautifully!  I just get to enjoy the fruit.  The world is a better place because there are peaches and pecans in it!

I feel like people are the same way. We were each born with amazing and unique potential, and the world needs what each person has to offer.  My job as a mother is just to provide a little soil and water- to offer my children the tools that will allow them to be the person they were created to be. Then I get to sit back and watch the miracle happen. The fruit just appears, and it’s so beautiful to watch.

I have the best job ever.

Eli

I sure have loved having Eli home with me this year!  He is in afternoon kindergarten, so we have all morning together.  We read books, do homework and chores, run errands, and generally have "special time agether."  

Here are a few random things about Eli that I want to remember:

He is pretty obsessed with muscles and strength.  He is always planning ways to invite all of his friends over at the same time so they can form an army.  He does exercises to build up his muscles, and comments on nice muscles whenever he sees them.  He loves karate and secretly wishes that a bad guy would come try to steal him so he could unleash his mad skills of self defense.  We have to talk a lot about never using karate moves on other people.  And about not bragging.

Eli to Clayton: We're both really strong, huh?
Ya.
We're both the same strong, huh?
Ya.
But we're just saying that to make each other feel happy, right?
Ya.

He's also "a big fan of girls."  He has had multiple crushes this year, and always lets everybody know about it.  Apparently the girls like him a lot too!  One day he came home and said in exasperation, "Mom, all the girls keep on falling in love with me!"

I asked how he could tell, and he said that they kept on looking at him "with a love face."  I chuckled to myself and figure that was all in his head until I went on a field trip with him.  He pointed out one little girl and said "See mom... she has a love face!"

Sure enough... I turned to see Belle, peeking around a corner, smiling a "love smile" and batting her eyelashes at him!!  He knew a love face when he saw one!

A farewell to scouts

Recently the church announced it's "break up" with the scouting program.  If I am being honest, I have wished for this to happen- usually while searching for lost scout shirts, ironing on patches, or sitting through my 7,000th pack meeting.

But at the same time... I have to recognize the wonderful things that scouting has done for my boys! 

They have learned some great "man skills" from some great leaders.  They have learned to set goals and follow through with them.  They have learned to do hard things, to serve others, and to stick with a task even when it's not fun.  They have built some great friendships and had so much fun along the way!  

This picture feels to me like the PERFECT illustration of what cub scouts is all about!  I can't stop looking at it!  It makes me teary-eyed to think that Eli will never get to have this experience!

I am looking forward to the changes coming.  I have full confidence that the church will come up with a great program for boys and girls.  But I sure am grateful for what scouting has done for our family!

2017

Last week's project was putting highlights from my 2017 photos into an album.  I'm not one to make a super creative book.  If I put pressure on myself to make it fabulous, it would never actually happen... so I kept it really basic.

Today the physical book arrived on my doorstep.

As I took a minute to look it over, I was struck by how many big things have happened in our family this year!

A Jr college graduation. A high school graduation. Broken bones. Births in the extended family. My baby starting kindergarten. Four surgeries.  A wedding, adding a new person to our family!

I guess I have been so caught up in living it, I haven't had much time to contemplate.  But as I see it all compressed into a little book, it feels like stepping back and looking at my life from a distance.

It really does feel like yesterday that I was knee-deep in diapers and carseats and nap times and sippy cups.  Now here I am helping people move and teaching people to drive and planning receptions and going to visit children in their own homes.  It feels surreal.  Not sad, necessarily, but surreal.  I love all the growth and change I see in my children and in myself. I love the things we are learning along the way.  And I especially love each of these people- my people.

The wind is blowing hard today,  and somehow it feels like a metaphor for how fast my life is passing.  Before I know it, my (now) little boys will all be grown up too.  My life will be filled with wonderful new experiences, new people and new joys.  I welcome it all!

But just for a minute, it feels important to acknowledge how fast it is flying by.

First day of kindergarten

Eli was SO READY to start school!

In the car on the way I asked him "Are you nervous buddy?  Or just excited?"

His answer: "I don't know what nervous means, but I am really excited!"

Me: "Nervous is when you feel a little scared, because you don't know exactly what something will be like."

Him: "Ya, I don't feel that at all.  Just excited!"

His cute teacher is Miss Riggs

At meet the teacher he filled out this darling All About Me paper

 Luckily, he had recovered from his on-the-way-to-meet-the-teacher injury a few days before:

And a story from two weeks into the school year:

We were all talking at the dinner table when Eli announced "I need to share a word with all of you." That got everyone's attention. "Today at school on the playground I saw something like a really rough crowd.  I looked in the middle of everyone, and somebody pushed a girl on the ground.  So I went and helped her up."  He was feeling pretty confident that he was choosing the right.  We were all very proud!

Eli is off to a great start in Kindergarten!

Long boarding without pads

A couple weeks ago I got a call from Caleb, who was in Utah with a friend's family.  His voice sounded shaky and he was talking fast.

"Hi Mom.  I need you to call Grandpa.  I wrecked on my long board and I broke my tooth.  I can't find it anywhere, and I think I have two broken wrists and I'm really bloody and can you call Grandpa and see what I should do?  Also I think I might be in shock a little."

I know Caleb well enough to know that this kind of a call is ALWAYS a possibility, so I wasn't actually surprised.  I was, however, a little concerned.  I told him to get to an adult ASAP to get cleaned up and checked out, and I would talk to Grandpa.

These are the pictures I got:

He flew home the next day, and I spent the next couple of days getting him all patched up.  Sure enough- two broken wrists.  He got a full cast on the right one, but they let him off with just a brace for the left, since it wasn't as severe.  Grandpa worked his magic on that front tooth, and it looks good as new.  

Unfortunately, there is no way Caleb can continue working as an AC technician (helper) for the summer.  He can't even open the peanut butter without help!  It's put quite a damper on his plans for the next few weeks.  Maybe next time his mom texts "Don't forget to wear your pads!" he might listen!  Probably not.

Warm fuzzies

Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing that my children love each other.

Recently Simon asked me "Mom, have you ever had the feeling that one of your siblings is actually your best friend?"

I answered that my sisters were actually my very best friends.

"Ya, I sorta feel that way about Josh."

Josh is such a good big brother.  When he's home he plays with Simon a lot- video games, board games, trampoline and ping-pong are some of their favorites.  When Josh is gone, Simon asks repeatedly when he'll be home.

The other day I heard him explaining to one of his friends in the car, "I'm pretty much a mini Josh."

Savannah is another one that puts significant effort into building relationships with her siblings.  She will play with them and tuck the little boys into bed at night- they love to have her tell stories.

Eli often begs for people to ride bikes with him.  Savannah couldn't resist his pleadings.

These are some lucky little boys to have such great older brothers and sisters!

Perspective

Today I am learning again that perspective is everything.

This morning in my prayers I thought about the day ahead of me.  I went through the usual tasks, and asked Father in Heaven to consecrate those things- to make them holy.  I asked for help to see the beauty in the normally mundane.

When I woke the boys up, I had one who was off to a rocky start.  He hated breakfast, he hated sharing a room, he hated noises and lights and smells and... you get the idea.  Normally that behavior is nothing but irritating to me.  Especially at 6:45 am!  But this morning I took the time to explain that in families we all have flaws, and we all need to be patient with each other.  I was reminded what a privilege it is to live in a family, and what a solemn responsibility I have to lovingly teach this boy.

As I folded laundry, it felt like a meaningful service.  I was happy to help pack lunches, to comb down unruly hair, and to smooth over minor disagreements.

I was especially happy to listen to Eli singing his heart out from the bathroom!  Something about gopher guts and tigers.

I am so grateful for the reminder that there is nothing in the world more important than teaching children.  God's "work and glory" is to bring to pass the eternal life of His children.  I am trying to be like Him.  My work and my glory is to love and teach my children- and to lead them to the Lord.

Motherhood is a holy work.

Busy day

A couple of days ago Eli climbed in my bed early in the morning.  He was being pretty still, but I could tell the wheels in his head were turning.  Pretty soon he let out a sigh.

"I have lots to do today."

Oh yeah?  What do you have planned? I wondered

"I have to build dis sing (this thing) with my legos," which he went on to describe in detail.

He also described a "sing" to tape on his leg that would hold his sword.

Before long he decided to get up and get working.

I love how his mind is always working!

Moments of Joy

This Christmas season I have been making a conscious effort to find moments of real joy amid all the hustle and bustle.

On Monday I went shopping (at the dollar store) with Eli to pick out his gifts for everyone.  It was so sweet to watch how much thought he put into each gift!  He really wanted to find something that each sibling would really love.

On the way over he told me he knew for sure what to get for Savannah.   He was planning on picking out some "kafume," also known as "girl smell" that she could spray on herself.  I agreed that perfume was a good choice for Savannah.  But as we were walking down the beauty products aisle (or island, as he calls it) he spotted some lip balm that really grabbed his attention.  "I can get DIS for Savannah AND Becca, because it's really for girls!"

He decided on band-aids for Caleb "because he always gets hurt, but he doesn't even cry!"

Each of the gifts he picked was equally as thoughtful. He searched until he found something he was excited to give.  I couldn't stop smiling the whole time.  I am so glad I still have a five year old!  And especially one as fun as Eli!

Yesterday was full of the joy of Christmas baking.

We made LOTS of cookies, and spent the evening caroling and delivering.  The caroling was especially successful this year.  We pulled a trailer full of kids behind the car, which alleviated all the fighting that happens while getting in and out of the car.  And as we drove I could hear everyone singing together at the top of their lungs, laughing, and enjoying each other.  That sound especially warmed my heart because I had to really put my foot down and insist that this was an important family activity.  Even though a couple of them had really tried to get out of this outing, they still chose to participate with good attitudes, and it ended up being a great bonding time.

I did have a moment of sadness when I realized that I will have no girls living at home with me next Christmas.  And the girls have been my allies when it comes to keeping traditions alive!  The boys (at least the older ones) seem to fight against them.  I need my girls!!

In this last general conference, Elder Russell M Nelson gave a talk about JOY that spoke straight to my heart.  One of the things he said was "Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God's power into our lives."  As I have looked for moments of joy, I have felt an increase of the Spirit in our home.  And an increase of the Spirit makes for a happier home for sure!